To be fair, Linux would perform so poorly too, if it had 194 data extraction programs running in the background. This comparison is clearly unfair.

Microsoft after spending $1 trillion to make everything as incompatible with Unix as possible: “Look, look! Our OS is performing 0.7%* better. This is why open source software is pointless.”

*Only in this specific, 1 in 1000000 scenario. Please refer to: aka.ms/fuckyourself for more information.

Judges should be using ouija boards to communicate with people killed by death penalty. “So you were guilty, right?” To make sure everyone gets a chance to appeal the decision.